


Discretion

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: s02e21 18th and Potomac, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-05-25
Updated: 2006-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-30 11:41:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15095987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Donna's thoughts on being told by Toby aboutthe President's MS.





	Discretion

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

 

TITLE: Our Two Consciences: Discretion (1/1)  
AUTHOR: Laurel A. -- Love that  
feedback!  
SPOILERS: Everything up to, and including, 18th and  
Potomac  
RATING: PG  
DISCLAIMER: Not mine; Aaron Sorkin's.  
ARCHIVE: Archive anyplace, just let me know.  
SUMMARY: Donna's thoughts on being told by Toby about  
the President's MS.

This is the next installment in the Josh/Donna Post-Ep  
POV series, "Our Two Consciences" by Michelle Hoffmann  
and myself (although you don't have to have read any  
of the others to jump on in now): 

Roles by Laurel A.  
Masks by Michelle H.  
Donna Moss Talks About Sex and Joey Lucas by Laurel A.  
Josh Lyman Talks About Strategy by Michelle H.  
Late At Night In The Soft Warm Glow by Laurel A.  
Perfect Clarity by Michelle H.  
I Confess by Laurel A.  
Static Electricity by Michelle H.  
Change, Gratitude, and the Heartbreak Turtles by  
Laurel A.  
Transformation by Michelle H.  
Bast, a Bowler, and Bucking for a Promotion by Laurel  
A.  
Filibusters, Falls, and Feline Avengers by Michelle H.  
Take, Take Me Home by Laurel A.  
The Very First Lie by Michelle H.  
Reality Called by Laurel A.  
I Dream of a Dominatrix by Michelle H.  
Chicken Little by Laurel A.  
Trust by Michelle H.

Voice Over by Donatella Moss, "Previously on Our Two  
Consciences...." 

"You know how sometimes you can feel that something is  
amiss, but it takes you a while to put it all  
together?........Oh, they like to have fun with me, and  
play their little Chinese satellite games. But, just  
wait until someone keeps the truth from them. Then  
they'll know how it feels to be deceived by those you  
trust the most." 

It is bitterly ironic, but I guess they do know what  
it feels like to be deceived by someone they trust.  
And, in retrospect, I believe that part of me did know  
that there was something more serious going on than a  
falling Chinese satellite. I have a sense about these  
things, Josh will tell you that I have no sense about  
these things; but I do, at least where he is  
concerned. 

It's something in the back of your mind and in the pit  
of your stomach that tells you things are amiss. When  
you work 70-plus hours a week in close contact with  
someone, you get to know their rhythm. You each  
adjust your own rhythm to be in phase with the other  
person. Josh's part in the rhythm we have together  
had been off; not quite "in time." After I realized  
that the Chinese satellite thing probably wasn't a big  
pre-arranged joke, I thought maybe he was having some  
kind of male lunar cycle thing. But, it felt like  
more than that. 

At certain times, I know better than to ask him. I  
won't push. I remain present but not pushy; feeding  
him the things he needs to hear, keeping up my half of  
our paced-out meter until something changes. 

It's a subtle thing. I don't know when I started this  
habit that's become second nature, it just happened.  
I think it was beginning to take shape when I brought  
him that cup of coffee nearly two years ago, the day  
we thought he might get fired for taking Mary Marsh to  
task on "Capitol Beat." The coffee gave me away, so I  
refined my methods to be more discrete. 

Eventually, the task of helping Josh get through  
emotionally tough times became so natural to me that I  
barely realize when I am doing it. So, letting Josh  
make up lame excuses for the secret meetings he'd been  
attending, not calling him on it when he had me  
schedule a 3-and-a-half hour block of time on his  
calendar for "working out" when I knew he was going to  
the airport for something, and not doubting or  
questioning any of it was natural. 

I did know something was going on though, because just  
like around Christmas, as much as I was trying to keep  
us going by holding up my end of our rhythm, I could  
feel that he wasn't there on the other end holding up  
his side. His heart, his mind, his spirit were  
someplace else. 

Consequently, it wasn't a total shock when Toby told  
me about the President. Armed with a suspicion I  
didn't even fully realize I had, I went to his office,  
and he dropped the bomb. 

Unlike what you would expect from Donna The  
Quirky-and-Flighty-Assistant, I process my emotional  
reactions slowly. It is a defense mechanism. It  
makes me seem tougher than I am. Which is not to say  
that I am a weak-willed crybaby underneath it all. I  
just don't cry at the serious and heavy stuff, I  
process those kinds of things internally and  
privately. I tend to get more teary-eyed about the  
sappy sentimental things, even the occasional  
long-distance phone commercial. 

In spite of what any decent therapist would say about  
the detrimental effects of bottling things up and  
hiding my emotions from others, this trait can be a  
good thing. It makes me dependable and stable. 

I took it as a huge compliment that Toby suspected  
this about me, and therefore trusted my discretion  
enough to tell me himself. 

I confirmed his hunch that telling me was the right  
thing to do when I immediately answered, as if it was  
a given (which it is), that this is something not to  
be discussed, it is a thing for discretion. And  
discretion, they say, is the better part of valor. 

But, I am not sure if that's true anymore. I pride  
myself on discretion; and it's a trait I ardently  
admire in others. But, it was the President's attempt  
at discretion that forced us all to unknowingly carry  
out this IN-discretion, this lie, on his behalf. 

The fact that it was Toby who told me was also quite  
revealing of Toby's opinion of Josh, and of Josh's  
opinion of me. 

From Toby's manner and delivery, I was pretty positive  
that Josh hadn't asked him to tell me. Toby was  
telling me because I could be trusted and he _wanted_  
me to know. He wanted me to know because Josh, and  
the rest of the Senior Staff, was going to need me. 

I am not resentful that Josh didn't tell me. I am  
also quite confident in the belief that Josh didn't  
want Toby to tell me. That's what made it so  
revealing about the way Josh thinks of me. 

Josh believes that I need to be protected. I don't  
know if this is out of some sort of filial or  
brotherly love where he feels an obligation to protect  
me, but he clings hard and fast to the perception that  
I need his help; that I need to be rescued by him.  
Hence the flowers in April for rescuing me from Dr.  
Freeride, his persistent objections to the Local  
Gomers I date, and the custodial tenor of his note in  
The Art and Artistry of Alpine Skiing. 

I felt bad for Josh tonight when he was grasping at  
the straws of excuses for why he had to be at the  
Residence at 9 at night. I was embarrassed for Josh;  
with my new knowledge, I was suddenly aware that he  
was getting increasingly uncomfortable lying to me. 

But, I didn't quite know what to say to him. I had to  
tell him that I knew about the President, and in doing  
so I would be giving away the fact that someone else  
had told me. 

I didn't want him to be embarrassed about _not_  
telling me, or mad at Toby _for_ telling me. After a  
failed attempt at an explanation, I uttered the word  
that I knew had changed absolutely everything in the  
West Wing, and in his world, "Sagittarius." 

I have no idea what the future holds for the  
President. I was relieved to hear that he is not in  
any pain; Toby even used the term "remission." But I  
am just now processing what it means, not only for the  
administration, but also for each one of us. 

This is something that has the power to bring down the  
President, the First Lady, Leo, and every bit of  
policy and progress we have helped legislate. But, it  
may very well bring down Sam, CJ, Toby, and Josh too.  
And this is the kind of thing that irrecoverably  
destroys the careers of political professionals, and  
Josh's career not recovering from this is something  
that I am not sure Josh himself can recover from. 

END   


End file.
